Dr. Wily is a moron.

Dr. Albert W. Wily - Mad Scientist Moron

Don’t get me wrong: He’s a brilliant (fictional) mad scientist. His skills and proficiency in engineering is without match. No mad scientist has ever created as many varied creatures as Dr. Albert W. Wily, and certainly not in the quantity that he has.

In the 10 Mega Man games from the original series, Wily has created around 80 different Robot Master bosses (MM2-10 and Mega Man & Bass — Dr. Light created the MM1/Powered Up!! Robot Masters), plus dozens of regular enemies to fill each of the Robot Masters’ stages. But only one of Wily’s creations has what it takes to stand up to Mega Man.

The Metool.

Also known as “Mets” and “Hardhats,” the Metool is unique amongst the enemies in the Mega Man games. Mega Man can only damage a Metool by shooting its face or feet. A shot to the hardhat portion of the Met will bounce off, with a “tink!” sound effect, indicating the weapon’s uselessness. When it is hunched into its hardhat “shell,” a Met becomes COMPLETELY invincible. Nothing can harm a crouching Metool. Even the mighty Sniper Joe, who hides behind an invincible shield before assaulting you with a barrage of shots, pales in comparison to the Metool.

So, given all that, why do I think Wily is a moron?

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T MAKE ALL OF HIS ROBOTS OUT OF THE SAME MATERIAL AS A METOOL’S HARDHAT!

If Wily REALLY wanted to destroy Mega Man, he would have enough COMMON SENSE to make everything he built as INVINCIBLE as the Metool!

But, because he isn’t that smart, Mega Man will defeat Dr. Wily, again and again.

Guerrero wasn’t my favorite wrestler, but I did always enjoy his matches and interview segments. And out of respect for his contributions to an industry that I enjoyed so much, I immediately got on AIM, and started a chat room where my friends and I could share some of our favorite Eddie Guerrero memories.

We later learned that Eddie died of heart complications, due to years of drug and alcohol abuse. Guerrero passed away completely sober. Even though he had gotten himself back on track, even going so far as to become a born-again Christian, it was, unfortunately, too late. The years of abuse had cut his life short, at age 38.

Guerrero is one of the few wrestlers who was adored by casual fans and by the more hardcore wrestling fans. Casuals loved him because of his endearing personality and incredible sense of humor. The hardcore fans loved Eddie because he could wrestle in several different styles – He could have a great high-flying match with Rey Mysterio one week, have a knock-down brawl with Stone Cold Steve Austin the next, and then have a technical match with a guy like Lance Storm, the next. Most wrestlers aren’t that talented.

I only got to see Eddie wrestle a couple of times, but I was in the audience at Wrestlemania X-Seven in 2001, when he defeated Test to win the WWF European Championship. Seeing a wrestler win a championship is a pretty good memory to have, I’d say.

Eddie left behind three daughters and a wife. And right now, Eddie’s widow, Vickie Guerrero, is the most hated character in the WWE. I had a chance to meet Vickie during Wrestlemania week 2010, and she was one of the nicest, sweetest, celebrities with whom I’d ever had the fortune of crossing paths. I wish her nothing but continued success in carrying on her husband’s name.

Thanks for lying to us, cheating us, and stealing our hearts, Eddie.

The controversy is this:

Apparently, people are surprised Batman and Catwoman have sex with each other.

Because, you know. It’s not like it hasn’t been well-established that Batman, under his Bruce Wayne disguise, sleeps around with more women than James Bond. And it’s not like Catwoman wears a skin-tight fetishwear outfit ALL THE FREAKING TIME. And it’s not like Batsy and Catwoman have had an ongoing attraction to each other since the Adam West TV series.

Oh, wait. All of that exists. I must’ve temporarily forgotten.

Yet, a lot of people (particularly feminist comic readers) are crying foul.

So, okay. Let me take a step back, and try to figure this one out.
Maybe they’re afraid that comic readers are still children. Well, that’s naïve. I ran a comic store for 3 years, and 99% of our customers were males between 18 and 35. So those people have an argument based in myth.

Maybe the people complaining are of a more wholesome variety, and they don’t want to see that in their fiction. I can respect that, but then why would you read Catwoman, a series ABOUT a cat burglar? The premise of the series is that she’s a criminal, so I’m debasing that argument, too.

Maybe some of these people are new readers who are not familiar with the established concepts of both heroes. Those people, sure. I can understand their being surprised.

Except when the cover looks like this:

If you bought Catwoman #1, with THAT cover, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s sexual content? Then I’m sorry, you’re an idiot.

The cheesecake cleavage, the seductive eyes, and the dribbling, shiny… jewels… over her chest all suggest that this is going to be a more mature title. And look at the bottom. See that “Rated T+”? That means there’s going to be questionable content in the book.

To me, that cover says, “This book is for people who want to look at drawings of sexy girls in suggestive poses,” the same way that a Barbie doll’s box says “This toy is for little girls.”

Do *I* like the content? Not particularly. But I’ve also seen a lot more offensive material, in comics with far less warning on the cover.

The issue at hand is that people have deluded themselves into thinking that just because they like comics in general, that they are the target market for all comics, and that’s plainly not true.

Just because I liked the late 80s/early 90s Ninja Turtle action figures doesn’t mean I was going to enjoy late 80s/early 90s Barbie dolls. They’re both toys, but even before I turned 8, I was discerning enough to realize that I wasn’t the target market for Barbies. Comic readers need to be equally as discerning.

I don’t read a lot of Frank Miller comics, because I find them dark and depressing, and too rough for my tastes. Despite being a male between 18-35, I am not the target market for Frank Miller’s work. But I don’t think comic stores should stop carrying SIN CITY, or that Dark Horse should stop keeping it in print. Other people like it, and that’s okay.

The moral of the story is to get over yourself, and realize that just because you like a particular kind of product doesn’t mean you’re going to like all of them. And you can vote with your dollars. If you didn’t like the overabundance of sexual content in Catwoman #1, then don’t buy Catwoman #2.

I’m not going to.

NIGHTWING was a lot of fun. All you HAVE to know, going in, are the things everybody knows about Dick Grayson: A young acrobat’s parents were killed in a circus “accident,” he was adopted by Bruce Wayne, became Robin, went off to do his own thing as Nightwing, substituted as Batman for a year, and now he’s back being Nightwing.

The circus Dick used to work for is back in Gotham, for the first time since his parents passed away. Grayson decides to stop in and say hi to all his old friends. I really liked this idea, as I’ve never really gotten a good look at Nightwing’s life before he was Robin, other than the occasional quick flashback.

Meanwhile, some guy arrives in Gotham, totally out to kill Dick Grayson. Whaaaaaat?

After he visits with the carnies (including a smoking-hot, redheaded trapeze artist… I suspect we’ll be seeing more of her, later. Dick + redheaded ladies = ratings), some crazy ninja robot assassin guy attacks Grayson. The cops show up, giving Dick the distraction he needs to duck into an alley and put on the tights, to go out and fight the assassin guy. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

The issue sort of presumes we’re at least tenuously familiar with Nightwing’s high concept (though still refreshes us on the high points without getting too exposition-y), so it spends time refreshing us of the important parts of his history, as well as building up both the first villain, and quickly introducing us to some supporting cast, at least for the first story. Without realizing it going in, this is exactly what I wanted out of a NIGHTWING #1. The story takes place in Gotham, so there’s plenty of room for other Gotham citizens to appear in the future, but this isn’t another Batman book, despite the titular hero’s ties to the Bat-family. It’s a Nightwing book, so if you don’t care about Batman, you’re in the clear.

On top of that, Eddy Barrows’ artwork is sharp and clean. It’s a very modern-looking comic, with details in the places that need them, and a lot of moody blacks. It’s clear the story takes place in the dark, gritty Gotham City, but it’s a more light-hearted take on the burg.

I dug it. I’m sticking with this one for the long haul. Of the New 52 books I’ve read, this one is my favorite.

*****

As for RED HOOD & THE OUTLAWS… hoo-boy.

This was one of the New 52 titles I was looking forward to most, as I dig Kenneth Rockafort’s artwork quite a bit, and Scott Lobdell wrote UNCANNY X-MEN during the point when I think that book was at its most interesting (the mid-1990s). Now that I think about it, when I started reading GEN 13 with issue #45, it was Lobdell handling those writing chores, as well. Obviously, the creative team had me pulled in.

How about the characters? Well, I haven’t read TOO much with Jason Todd as the Red Hood, but the half-dozen issues or so where I’ve seen him appear were pretty rad, and that UNDER THE RED HOOD movie was fantastic. I haven’t read anything with Roy Harper/Speedy/Arsenal/Red Arrow/whatever he’s going by now, since he decided to be a dickhole, so I’ll give that a shot. And Starfire… makes for some amazing visuals. I’m most familiar with her as the girl who just moved to town and is trying to fit in in the TEEN TITANS animated series, and as the confident and unashamed-of-her-body warrior in Geoff Johns’ run on TEEN TITANS from the early 2000s. But, given that she has 30 years of comic history, and I grew up as a Marvel Zombie, there’s plenty of Starfire that I’ve missed, so she’s basically an unknown commodity to me.

So, a good creative team, and characters I’m notionally familiar with and am interested in learning more about. Sounds like it should be a good match, right?

We start with Red Hood breaking Roy Harper out of jail, and they have a shoot-out with the prison guards. Meanwhile, we get thought boxes from the two characters thinking the other one is kinda nuts, but probably better to have on your side than against you. Alright, we’ve got kind of a buddy cop movie thing going on here. That’s cool. The duo get in a Jeep, and are about to run into a couple of tanks when the artillery explodes, courtesy of Starfire. Roy asks, “Is she with you?” to which Jason Todd answers, yes. And “yes.”

Oh, alright. So Starfire bounced from not marrying Robin #1 to being “with” Robin #2. That’s a little weird, but I can run with it. New Universe, new rules. Sure.

And then a very awkward scene where Starfire is posing all sexy… for nobody. And we learn that she can’t really tell humans apart (we all look the same to her), but they’re good for a little bit of dirty fun. Todd meanders off to talk to his invisible friend, who tells him that someone from the past is messing things up, and he’s the only one who can save the day. Fair enough, a Mission Impossible-kinda scenario. Alright, cool. And Starfire just flat-out asks Roy if he wants to do the nasty.

…huh.

To his credit, Harper DOES make sure that Star’s not Jason’s girlfriend. But as soon as Starfire says no, he’s ready to rock, as it were.

MEANWHILE, SOME MYSTERY GUY FINDS OUT TAMARANIANS (Starfire’s alien race) ARE NOW ON EARTH! WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?!

And Red Hood is assaulted by people that are either strange cultists or zombies. Or maybe some third thing that’ll be explained next issue.

So… that’s kind of a lot to take in. It’s not quite what I was expecting, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I think considering the three characters involved, I was expecting something a bit deeper and more internal. But, instead, what I got was a big-budget, flashy, summer popcorn flick that idolizes badass dudes with sweet guns, and objectifies sweet chicks with badass, erm, guns.

I’m curious enough to follow up with issue 2, and, actually, probably the first story arc. Though, I’m not sure if I’ll be in it for the long haul. Depends on how the next few issues go.

However, I can definitely see other people really enjoying this comic. If you haven’t read it, I say give it a shot.

JUL110206 BATMAN #1 $2.99

SPAWN/CREECH/HAUNT artist Greg Capüllo on BATMAN? I’m not crazy about the Dark Knight Detective, but, okay. I’ll at least glance at this one.

JUL110217 RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS #1 $2.99

I really dug the art in Kenneth Rocafort’s VELOCITY miniseries for Top Cow, earlier this year. So I’ll check to see what he does with Jason Todd and Starfire.

JUL110271 TINY TITANS #44 $2.99

Aw yeah, Titans! Aw yeah, Doom Patrol!

JUL118163 TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES ONGOING #2 $3.99

Issue #1 was an interesting new origin for the Turtles. What else does IDW have in store for the Heroes on the Half-Shell? Also, Kevin Eastman is one of the coolest comics pros I’ve ever met, and he’s doing the page layouts. Supporting him is always a plus.

JUL110018 BTVS SEASON 9 FREEFALL #1 CHEN VAR CVR $2.99
JUL110017 BTVS SEASON 9 FREEFALL #1 MORRIS CVR $2.99

Buffy the Vampire Slayer returns for Season 9, fresh off the heels of Joss Whedon saying that he may have gone a bit overboard with Season 8. With the new status quo having been set up in ANGEL & FAITH #1 a couple of weeks back, how will Buffy and the Scooby Gang deal with whatever’s to come?

JUL110213 BATWOMAN #1 $2.99

J.H. Williams may be the most talented artist in modern comics, if his run on DETECTIVE COMICS from 2009-2010 is any indication. Even with the change in writers, BATWOMAN will probably be the prettiest book that comes out this week.

JUL110218 GREEN LANTERN #1 $2.99

The New 52 continues, and the current Green Lantern is… Sinestro? WTF?!

JUL110232 GRIFTER #1 $2.99

Mostly of note because Grifter was part of the Wildstorm Universe, which has apparently been absorbed into the DCU proper, thanks to the events of Flashpoint. Could a full-on WildC.A.T.S relaunch be far behind? Yeah, probably very far behind.

MAY110532 SUPER DINOSAUR #4 $2.99

Super Dinosaur is awesome.

JUL110570 FEAR ITSELF #6 (OF 7) FEAR $3.99

The penultimate chapter of Marvel’s Miniseries-turned-Summer-Event, FEAR ITSELF, which has mostly been received with a resounding “meh.” Also available today are the 4th printings of FI #2 and 3rd printing of FI #3.

JUL110745 INFINITY GAUNTLET TP NEW PTG $24.99

One of my favorite 90s Marvel stories is available once again! But, if you get the chance, find one of the older printings, which all have MUCH cooler covers.

JUL110744 THANOS IMPERATIVE TP $19.99

And while you’re picking up Thanos’ biggest story in INFINITY GAUNTLET, why not pick up his LATEST story, in THANOS IMPERATIVE?

JUL110605 ULTIMATE COMICS SPIDER-MAN #1 $3.99

Miles Morales is the NEW Ultimate Spider-Man! After months of buildup, this finally comes out. Will people still care?

MAY111190 CLINT #10 (MR) $6.99

You may not be the biggest fan of Mark Millar, but anthology titles really need a bigger audience. Soon enough, there’s going to be something awesome in CLINT (other than what’s already there), and everybody’s gonna feel like a jerk for missing it.

In the new ACTION COMICS #1, Superman gets a tank thrown at him, and a dialogue bubble pointing to Supes’ face says, “GD.” Well, a comic store owner in the Bible Belt (whose name and store I will not be mentioning, because he’s received enough attention as it is) took this as a blasphemous comment against God.

As many of you may know, “G.D.” is a typical shorthanded way to say “God Damn,” without using The Lord’s Name in Vain, to be polite to people whom that makes a difference to. Well, that’s how this comic store took it, and he was SO OFFENDED that Superman would even come close to cursing like that, he called for a complete boycott of ACTION COMICS as long as it’s being written by Grant Morrison, as well as all current Grant Morrison-penned titles.

Alright, it’s his comic store. That’s fair enough. I owned a comic store, and I know that it’s up to each owner to decide what they are and are not comfortable carrying. But, in the initial outburst this fella had, he admitted that he carries comics like THE BOYS – Which is misogynistic and reprehensible – and CROSSED, a comic about rape zombies who once beat a guy to death with a horse wiener. But Superman swearing? THAT is unacceptable, and was Grant Morrison “forcing his agenda” on us, through his comics. Because, you know, NOT selling a comic when you find something in it offensive isn’t forcing your own agenda on anybody at all.

Apparently less-offensive than Superman spouting two letters.

So after hearing about this, Grant Morrison came out last night, and said that the “GD” wasn’t a blasphemous comment at all, but a grunt like the “HGNNH” and “UNGH” seen throughout the rest of the comic, and this was all just an unfortunate coincidence. And so the comic store guy apologized for the misunderstanding, and lifted the boycott on Grant Morrison books. As the saying goes, “Keep your words soft and sweet, because you may have to eat them, later.”

Now that everything has been explained, comics stores will be carrying Action Comics AND horse dick, because neither is offensive! Wait...

Let this be a lesson to us all, true believers: It’s very important to ask questions first and shoot second, not the other way around. Things PROBABLY aren’t actually as offensive as you think they are.

(Except, maybe, for clicking “Insert Into Post” in reference to an image called “Weiner.jpg.” I kind of offended myself with that one.)

JUL110201 ACTION COMICS #1 $3.99
Witness the beginnings of the Man of Steel in the DC New 52! www.Newsarama.com has some preview pages up, and this looks fantastic. – Available digitally, too.

JUL110212 BATGIRL #1 $2.99
How did Barbara Gordon’s paralysis go away? I’m not sure if it’ll be answered in #1, but that’s generally a good place to start! – Available digitally, too.

JUL110241 HAWK AND DOVE #1 $2.99
Rob Liefeld returns to the title that made him a star. That’s the only thing noteworthy about this one, really. – Available digitally, too.

JUL110240 STATIC SHOCK #1 $2.99
Static gets his first proper ongoing title since MILESTONE COMICS closed in the late 1990s, but he now resides in the DC Universe proper. – Available digitally, too.

JUL110346 TRANSFORMERS ONGOING #25 $3.99
I’ve been a fan of the Transformers since I was 2, and even though I have to get caught up on the last few issues, IDW’s most recent ongoing TFs series has been fantastic. Definitely worth looking into. If you haven’t read it, head over to comixology.com, and pick up issues 1-22 for $1.99 a piece!

JUN118139 KICK-ASS 2 #1 5TH PTG JRJR VAR (MR) (PP #982) $2.99
JUN118140 KICK-ASS 2 #2 2ND PTG JRJR VAR (MR) (PP #982) $2.99
If you missed the first couple issues of KICK-ASS 2: BALLS TO THE WALL, here’s your chance to get all caught up!

JUN110848 MEGA MAN #5 HORN CVR $2.99
JUN110849 MEGA MAN #5 SPAZ VILLAIN VAR CVR $2.99
ARCHIE COMICS’ MEGA MAN comic feels exactly like what I would imagine a MEGA MAN comic should feel like, and the artwork is almost as good as if Mega Man/Rockman creator Keiji Inafune drew it, himself!

So while you’re headed out to your local comic store today, keep an eye out for these comics.

I was randomly thinking about numbers just now (‘randomly’ being the operative word), and it reminded me of something I overheard a girl say in high school:

“If ‘thousand’ starts with a ‘T,’ why is it abbreviated with a ‘K’? That’s stupid.”

The answer, of course, is because the Latin term for “thousand” is “kilo,” and it’s a good, universal way to abbreviate the number, especially when you consider that in, for example, French and Spanish, “thousand” is translated into “mille” and “mil.” And, come to think of it, this girl probably wasn’t very smart, anyways…but she was so good at being pretty that none of us 14-year-old boys noticed.

Parents, if you have a young daughter, do whatever you can to push her into being good at math and science as early as possible, and stop perpetuating the stereotypes that girls are just there to be dumb, pretty, little sex objects for boys.